sproutgirl: (John Hannah umbrella)
[personal profile] sproutgirl
Next week is the Amplified band contest, which means no sleep. And things are so messed up right now on the band front that I'm not even excited for it. For the possibilities it can create.

Right after that my parents come into town. My dad won a poker thing on-line, played against 900 people to win a trip to Vegas (staying at my work too!) and a weekend with a top pro poker player, taking seminars and having his skills evaluated. He's so excited, it's the cutest thing ever.

Then the next week is another Verbatym concert. Then on the 20th it's LONDON!

I'm way excited for London, excited to meet Liss in real life, and her sister. I'm a little nervous because my passport isn't here yet, but I've been assured it will be here soon.

I haven't written much this week. Started a couple things, but my drive to finish them has gone away. My drive for anything has sort of vanished lately.

Stupid country. Why does it have to be so BIG?

I shouldn't push. I know I shouldn't push. But, sometimes, it still feels like maybe . . . ? I won't say I'm sorry, because I won't change it. Can't change it. It is what it is, even if it kills me. I am sorry if I say too much sometimes. Not so much sorry that I say it, but sorry it's too much.

I had someone tell me I was an awesome friend the other day. I made an offer that wasn't really feasible or practical, but seemed like the thing to do. I would have enjoyed doing it. But I felt a little guilty for the gratefulness. Because partly? I offer these things, these gestures, these "I'll drive with you"s and "I'll fly you out"s and "I'll come do inventory"s and "I'll write fic"s because I want people to remember that I am here. I'm not always a great friend, especially not to those who live near me because I am reclusive and insular, but I cravecravecrave people's attention. Their friendships. Their opinions of me. Validation, it seems, is quite an issue for me. Who'd have thought?

So, yeah. If anyone has anything meaningful to say about me, I'd love to hear it. It just might save my sanity right now.

And for the record? I predict a maximum of four, maybe five, people to reply to this. If I get more, I'll be shocked. Though, honestly? I love those four or five to death, and I shouldn't need more than that, right?
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December 2009

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